My maiden name is Ferguson. Scottish in origin, it is a storied namesake that traces back to a former King of Scotland and has deep roots in Ireland. Years ago, on a trip to the Emerald Isle, I did what most tourists do – I searched for the Ferguson family crest and tartan intent on purchasing something I could display back in the States to convey some Gaelic street cred. I found my family crest which displays an image of a thorny thistle with a bee hovering atop a subtle purple bloom. Below the crest it read, “Dulcius Ex Asperis” which a local translated for me: “Sweeter After Difficulties.”
Embracing that motto has made challenges I’ve faced since then a little easier. Evidently, it’s in my blood to not only survive hardship but to thrive thereafter. My ancestors proclaimed it, so who am I to contradict their wisdom? But also, more importantly, who am I to hoard their wisdom? Shouldn’t it be everyone’s birthright to move through life confidently knowing that while difficult and unexpected things will happen, we will ultimately be okay?
The Value of Adversity
Imagine, in the midst of sadness or pain, knowing that you would eventually be okay – changed, possibly, but still okay. Would that change how you feel about and deal with adversity? Would it change the meaning of adversity for you? Would it enable you to place value on adversity? Instead of looking at adversity as a burden, would you come to think of it as an opportunity for growth? We don’t typically grow from comfort. We grow from pain points. When things aren’t working, we realize we need to change. Even if you can’t quite welcome adversity, perhaps you could choose to accept that you have the power to give meaning to your hardship by turning it into a lesson or opportunity. This is not to say that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, really bad things happen and there is no logic to it. However, finding some purpose to channel the pain enables us to heal our wounds. Healed wounds may still leave scars (emotional and physical) and those scars serve as reminders of our successes. We survived that terrible awful thing we thought we wouldn’t!
Adversity & Social Media
In this age of social media, where everyone posts the curated highlights of their life, it’s easy to think that your hardship is unique. You might believe storm clouds just seem to follow you while everyone else walks on the sunny side of the road. Now, I know that YOU know no one’s life is perfect. It doesn’t matter how many times people proclaim their life, relationship, job, or kids to be perfect. They’re not – because no human is perfect, so how can anything we humans create be perfect? But, when we see only the highlight reel of someone’s life, it can FEEL like we’re doing something wrong. You’re not. Life is not all sunshine and rainbows. We live our lives on a spectrum from joy to despair and most of life is lived somewhere in the middle. Does your life feel average? Congratulations! You’re doing something right!
Life is an Obstacle Course
The reality is that adversity is baked into the human experience. Sometimes bad things happen to us and we have no control. Sometimes, we feel bad. Sometimes, we get rejected. Sometimes, our plans fall apart. Sometimes, our kids make mistakes. Sometimes we lose someone or something important. Okay. Take some time to feel the feelings and then ask yourself, “Now what?” There’s a saying that it doesn’t matter how many times you fall down. It’s how many times you get back up that matters. The sweetness is in your comeback. Everyone loves an underdog because we all can relate to stories of perseverance.
Staging Your Comeback
Your comeback doesn’t need the approval of anyone else. Your life choices are a memo to the world, not a conference call. If you are constantly seeking external validation for your choices, you will likely be disappointed. For reasons that may have nothing to do with you, people can be disapproving and judgmental. It’s enough to be proud of yourself. Enjoy your successes and try not to begrudge others their successes. If you see a person achieving something you long for, try to be inspired by them. It proves it can be done! Sometimes, a comeback seems small, barely noticeable. In fact, a depressed person’s comeback might be just getting out of bed and brushing their teeth. I bet for that person it did not feel small! No one else is on your journey so only you can truly know what your successes mean. Embrace the sweetness after difficulty whether it’s yours or someone else’s.
Difficult Doesn’t Mean Impossible
The human nervous system isn’t hard wired to sustain intense emotions for an extended period of time. We have built-in breakers that trip the circuit to protect us. Emotions tend to follow a bell curve. They creep up, reach a peak, and then taper off. When you’re in the intense phase of the emotion remind yourself that you are almost through it. Think of it like a labor contraction. This goes for despair AND joy. When you’re really happy, enjoy it because it will eventually settle back to the middle ground. The same is true for anger or disappointment. Sit with it, learn from it, and know it will weigh on you less as times goes on.
Welcome to the Clan!
My family motto encapsulates my world view and is probably one of the main reasons I became a therapist: I see value in hardship while also recognizing that it is really difficult to endure and may require some support. I know from my own experience and years of working with others through adversity that we can ALL get through whatever happens in our lives. So, the next time you face hardship, I encourage you to become an honorary Ferguson and declare that your life will be “sweeter after adversity.” That shift in mindset may make all the difference.
